


Tell Me

by dontbecooler



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Bucky blames himself, Hurt, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Bucky Barnes/Steve Rogers, Texting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-02
Updated: 2015-09-02
Packaged: 2018-04-18 15:55:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,332
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4711739
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dontbecooler/pseuds/dontbecooler
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What can you do when you've hurt others so much? What kind of recompense can you beg for? What will ever be enough?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tell Me

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a quick afternoon RP that almost made me cry so I decided to post it after getting the other person's permission
> 
> They decided to remain anonymous but their Steve was amazing and I'm so happy with this and if you're reading hello RP partner you did amazing!!!
> 
> I actually love this version of Bucky so much it makes me want to die hahaha
> 
> ENJOY XX

**Have we ever been intimate? JB**

 

How do you mean? –SR

 

**I don't know. JB**

**What... was the nature of our relationship before the war? JB**

 

It was... complicated. –SR

We were close, Buck. Real close. –SR

 

**Intimate? JB**

 

Yes. –SR

 

**Okay. JB**

**During the war? JB**

Sometimes. But it was different. -SR

We were different. -SR

**How do you mean? JB**

When I got you back from Hydra the first time, you didn't wanna be touched for a while. Would flinch anytime someone came near. -SR

And I don't think that you liked me being bigger. It was unfamiliar. -SR

**I'm sorry. JB**

**I am different now. JB**

Don't be sorry, Buck. I understand. Don't blame you. -SR

**You miss it. JB**

I do. -SR

But I don't expect things to be like they were. Times change. -SR

**It's more accepted now. JB**

Yeah. Sometimes I wonder what we'd be like if we were born in this time. -SR

**You know how Clint looks at Natasha? JB**

Yeah. -SR

**You look at me like that. JB**

I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. -SR

**You love me. JB**

That's one thing about me that won't ever change. -SR

**You loved me. Before the war and during. I'm not like that anymore. JB**

I loved you then, and I love you now. -SR

**You read my files. How can you? JB**

Because I know you, and you're not what they made you do. -SR

**Everyone says that, but they're wrong. JB**

**I knew what I was doing. JB**

**It was me behind those bullets. JB**

**How can you love that? JB**

Even if that's true, it doesn't change a damn thing. -SR

The only part of me that survived the ice was the part that breathed for you. Doesn't matter what you do. You're the biggest part of me. -SR

**You realize how sick that is? JB  
Loving a murderer. JB**

**Stop it. JB**

I'm a murderer too, these days. -SR

**You killed any little girls this last century Rogers? JB**

**Pretty blue dresses look haunting spattered with blood. JB**

**Stop it. You can't love me. JB**

Bucky, take a deep breath. -SR

**What we had? That's in the past. When I fought for you. Now? I was alive for myself. Kill or be killed. A rabid fucking dog, Steve. That was their favorite name for me. JB**

That's over. You're not that anymore. -SR

**Yeah? Says who? JB**

I know you don't love me anymore. But stop trying to scare me off like this. -SR

Just... stop. -SR

**I was in Egypt with you. You thought I was tucked up at home, no. JB  
The massacre of ten hostile agents that made your mission void that brought you home? JB**

**Me. JB**

Stop, Buck. I don't want to hear this. -SR

**Tell me you hate me. JB**

**That you can't look at me. JB**

You know I won't. -SR

Never. -SR

**I remember what it was like, holding her head, metal against soft blond hair. JB**

**She was crying, had pretty blue eyes just like yours. JB**

Stop. -SR

**One swift twist, there was no more crying Steve. No loose ends. JB**

Why are you doing this? -SR

**Tell me you want me to leave. JB**

**Tell me what I know you're thinking. JB**

I don't. -SR

Do you want to leave? -SR

**Tell me to leave. JB**

Why? -SR

Why do you want me to? -SR

**Because I deserve something more painful than death. JB**

I won't ever hurt you. –SR

Not if I can help it. -SR

**Why not?! It's what I deserve, it's what heroes do, hurt the villains. JB**

**You always do what the people want right? Kick dirt into my eyes Rogers, kill me with words. Please. Please. JB**

No. -SR

Do you care about me at all? -SR

Is there any piece of you that feels like you used to? -SR

Because if there is, stop this. It's hurting me more than anything. -SR

**Why won't you hurt me back? JB**

Because I love you. -SR

And maybe I'm weak, like they always used to say. -SR

**I don't want to hear that. JB**

**Not right now. JB**

You never will. -SR  
But I'm being honest. -SR

**I'm leaving, Steve. JB**

Will that make you happy? -SR

**Nothing will. JB**

**Nothing should. JB**

I don't want you to go. -SR

**I don't want to hear that from you. JB**

Do you want to go? -SR

**It's not on the list of things I want. JB**

Then don't go. -SR

We can get through this together. -SR

**I'm not going to do this with you. JB**

If you leave, I'll follow you. -SR

**You sure about that? JB**

I'll try. -SR

**I don't want that from you. JB**

Follow you to the end of the earth. -SR

I know. -SR

**[ _Delay_ ] Tell me you hate me and I'll stay. JB**

I can't. -SR

**Then I'm going. JB**

Kill me first. -SR

If you're leaving, you might as well. -SR

**Don't say that, don't be an idiot. JB**

You expect me to just keep on without you? Spending however many year I have left, knowing you're out there punishing yourself? -SR

I can't. -SR

**Maybe I won't be out there. JB**

Where will you be? -SR

**The end of the earth. JB**

Bucky... -SR

**Don't try Steve. JB**

**If I can't get what I deserve I'm no help to anyone. JB**

What do you deserve? -SR

**Ten hail Mary's and to pray at my bedside. JB**

**What do you think? JB**

I can't lose you again. -SR

**I need to hurt, Steve. To try and get recompense for the hurt I've caused. JB**

**Ask Stark what he thinks I deserve. JB**

**Then multiply it by ten. JB**

I don't give a fuck what Stark thinks. -SR

**I killed his parents. JB**

They made you. -SR

**I saw his eyes before the grenade blew up the car. JB**

I'm sorry. -SR

**I don't know what else to do. JB**

Stay. -SR

Learn to forgive, and move on. Do good, instead of punishing yourself. -SR

**I hurt so many people. I hurt you. I hurt those who want to be my friends.... I hurt them all. JB**

**It's unforgivable. JB**

Bucky, I forgive you. -SR

**Please, no. Don't. JB**

I do. Whether you want me to or not. -SR

**I'm so sorry Steve. JB**

Don't be. Just try to forgive yourself. -SR

**It's gonna be a long time. JB**

Good thing you've got a lot of years left then. -SR

**You're gonna stick around through all my shit? Every day could turn out like this one. JB**

‘Til the end of the line, Buck. -SR

**I ever called you an idiot before? JB**

All the damn time. -SR

**Don't forget it. JB**

I know you won't let me. -SR

**[ _Short Delay_ ] I wanna go back to how we were before. JB**

What do you mean? -SR

**I love you. JB**

Bucky. You're not ready for this. -SR

**I know. I know. JB**

You don't have to do any of this, or say that, for me. -SR

**I'm not just saying it. JB**

Okay. -SR  
Should still focus on yourself for now. -SR

**That's not... I don't like doing that. JB**

I know, but you need to if you wanna feel better. Work through everything. -SR

**It hurts. JB**

I know. I'm sorry. -SR

**Can I stay out tonight? JB**

Whatever you need, Buck. -SR

**I'll come back, in the morning. JB**

Just be safe out there, -SR

**Anything for you. JB**

**Tell me you love me. JB**

I love you. -SR

**Again. JB**

I love you, Bucky. -SR

**I love you Steve. I love you so much. JB**

We're gonna be okay, you and me. -SR

**I'll do my damnedest to get there for you. JB**

We'll get there together. -SR

**I love you. JB**

Love you too. -SR


End file.
